My first official blog post
Updated: Apr 26, 2021
I am feeling extremely tired and listless tonight. I have been feeling more and more like I need an outlet to share my thoughts and ideas with whoever might care. I have so many of these thoughts and ideas and mostly I keep them to myself - keep them squashed down because I feel afraid to share them and that I will be told that they are 'wrong' or 'invalid'. 'Who am I, anyways?', that fear says. 'I'm just a musician'. Or am I even that? Some days my imposter syndrome is so bad that I doubt that I can even call myself a songwriter.
What I truly, deeply want to share about is health. In particular mental health and my healing journey. This feels extremely difficult as it's a topic that I have wanted to keep hidden for decades now out of fear of judgement, stigma and of being viewed in a way that I don't want to be viewed. As weak, damaged, flawed, powerless, broken, stigmatized, different... the list goes on and on.
Truth be told I am getting quite tired of this fear and of keeping everything that I have learned and am learning locked deeply in a metaphorical closet. But I'm starting to feel like now is the perfect time to begin speaking about these things. With the global climate being what it is (literally) - with everything happening that is happening now, on a global scale, I believe we need folks to begin speaking up about important topics and sharing their experiences. I can feel deep inside my bones that we are on the precipice of a massive paradigm shift in regards to the way that we view, label, 'treat' and share about 'mental health'.
This topic has frightened me ever since I was seventeen years old and my parents separated and I had my first experience with depression - a repression, suppression of emotional energy, an anger and sadness that I buried deep within myself with nowhere else to go, pushing my life force down and causing my system to slowly suffocate. Ever since then, I have not wanted to speak on this topic because that was the moment that I began to feel that there was something truly WRONG with me.
Well, I'm starting to grow very weary of that fear and of that belief system, frankly. And something deep down inside of me is asking me, begging me to begin sharing about my experiences and everything that I am learning and have learned throughout my life.
I no longer believe that that there is something wrong with me. But it has taken many, many years and willingness to begin challenging deeply ingrained, unquestioned, societal and cultural belief systems for that to be so. This shift in my belief about my wrongness has been quite a recent thing - but what has transpired has been an opening of pandora's box that I can no longer go back and close.
I am beginning to view the concept of 'mental health' very differently and am on a journey that has helped me to understand the role of things like trauma/toxic stress, the nervous system, energy anatomy, the subconscious and my physical/systemic health on what I perceived to be 'problems' that existed only from my neck up. What I was told was pathology I am now understanding as important messages from my mind/body system screaming for equilibrium, expression, authentic connection and release. I have not been broken - I have been functioning TOO well.
I want to begin to slowly chip away at the shame that has so unnecessarily pervaded my system for so long AND I want to share my story in a way that feels safe and controlled by me. Many of my close friends do not even know its entirety due to the element of shame and stigma.
I just feel done with holding all of this on my own and a blog seems like a neat venue for catharsis.